AARP Nursing Centers of America - (Baby) Booming Business
First, I expect a lot of competition to sell me a bed, since there will be many more available than needed, so they'll have to offer me incentives to move in. "Free haircuts for life for the first 10 residents. Buy one bed, get another for half-price."
The homes will be far different than they are today. I would expect my nursing home to be named like a major sports stadium, AARP Nursing Centers of America or the Depends Elder Spectrum. Gone will be the TV game shows and nightly bingo - we'll have oldies like Nintendo and Playstation to aggravate our arthritis. On TV, we'll watch reruns of Grey's Anatomy, Family Guy and American Idol.
Instead of that ubiquitous soothing waltz music, we'll have real Muzak oldies like AC/DC, Smashing Pumpkins, and the Black Eyed Peas to keep us moving rhythmically in our rocking chairs.
And if we are out on the porch in the rocking chairs, what to wear? Style matters. How about Abercrombie & Fitch's line of easy access night gowns for geriatric women? And from REI, the Marmot Gortex Elder Pants, now with stain and odor protection. Options include special pockets for the ipod, dentures and the colostomy bag.
Wheelchairs will have flip-out laptops, handy for text messaging our fellow residents. And of course chairs will have GPS gear so we and they will know where we are headed and where we are, should we forget.
Gone will be the dishwater-flavored coffee of today, along with tasteless mush and muck they call meals. We'll get double, no-fat soy vanilla lattes with whipped from the Starbucks' traveling baristas and the Meals on Wheels cart will stock Ring Dings, Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey - and every other Thursday - Trans Fat Feast Night! (brought to you by Crisco)- oh the good 'ol days.
Seriously, assisted living facilities and nursing homes are changing with the times - and there is a new trend - identifying and supplying the preferences of their residents. Drab gray institutions simply won't cut the mustard when us boomers are ready for the homes. My dotage may be something to look forward to yet.
